Peter's Proficient Perception

In my modest nineteen years, six months, and fourteen days of life I have come to two conclusions: I am hands down, positively and undeniably the smartest person alive, and everyone else in the world are idiots.

Now because of these simple yet accurate truths, I have decided to help the rest of you simpletons out by implementing a new segment into my blog entitled Peters Proficient Perception, in which I will explain everyday things in “layman’s terms” for the world to more easily understand. Feel free to ask me to explain anything and I’ll do my best to fit a more than adequate response into my busy blogging schedule.

My first order of business is to explain why most corporate automobile makers slogans suck.

Let me begin with Ford: “Built Ford Tough”
If a company is dumb enough to put their own name in the middle of their “validating” slogan than that should be grounds enough for you to stay away from their products. If that’s not enough then lets look at the root of the name shall we? The word “Ford”, if traced back to early anglo-saxon roots is actually defined as “a limbless woman of little or no worth”. When put directly into context with the slogan, “built a limbless woman of little or no worth tough”, I think we all can agree that Ford desperately needs to rethink their sales platform.

I think even the you can easily find fault in Chevy’s slogan, “Like a Rock”. I mean come on… what are rocks even good for? Rocks are hard, uncomfortable, and usually more of an annoyance than anything else. Have you ever camped out some place rocky where your air mattress deflated in the middle of the night and you woke up with soars all over your back because of rocks? Just last weekend I was driving my truck in the desert and a protruding rock proceeded to puncture not one but two of my tires in mere seconds. Rocks rolling down hills can destroy homes and did I mention my two flat tires? Yeah, rocks suck. The only rocks other than Pop Rocks that were any good were the ones that David used to kill Goliath, and even those were considered “stones”. Basically what Chevrolet is unintentionally saying here is that if you want a car that is uncomfortable, hard, and that will leave you feeling soar than go ahead and buy their truck.

And don’t even get me started with Toyota and Dodge. The Tundra’s slogan is, “The Truck that's changing it all”… could they be any more vague? And we all know “Grab life by the Horns” is obviously a sexual innuendo. They may as well stop beating around the bush and change their slogan to, “Size Matters”.

Stay classy

-Pete

White House Wars

This being my first opportunity to be actively involved in the presidential appointment process, and seeing that this years race lacks any obvious choices to aid in my decision making process (ie. White, middle-aged, Christian, men), I am having a difficult time deciding whose chad I will punch on Election Day. My first choice (also the most logical no-brainer) would be to cast my vote for Chuck Norris, but he for some unknown reason decided not to run. This unfortunate piece of news leaves me with few choices: Barack Hussein Obama, Ralph Nadar, and Hillary Rodham Clinton. (I only use Hillary’s middle name because initially I thought it was only fair to B Hussein, and then I realized it is a ridiculous name and not writing it would be a mistake) The reason I left McCain out is because chances are he will die before election day. So with three candidates in the running and no obvious choices, I have come up with a series of contests that, if performed, would decide once and for all who is the most qualified to run the greatest country in the world.

The first will be a test of strength, courage, and will. The three Candidates will fight each other in a battle royal on the online World of Warcraft. The player with the most life left at the end of the eight-hour session will be victorious. (Coincidentally, an inside source tells me that B Hussein is a level 70 night elf hunter and will most likely have the upper hand in this competition.)

In the second friendly competition, each contestant will have to choose a song from the 70’s to perform, live, in front of all of America. America will then text their choice to 1-800-presi01 and the winner will be announced live on broadcast television the following week. (It is a little known fact that Nadar is the lead singer in his mariachi band who call themselves “Greeners and Beaners”. He definitely has the experience to pull ahead in this portion of competition.)

The third and final test will challenge these candidates to their very core. America will have a hotdog eating contest in which the three candidates will have three minutes to down as many wieners as they possibly can. (On a side note, you may not know that Hillary can actually unhook her jaw and drop food down her throat like a laundry chute. She may very well excel in this competition.)

So there we have it folks, the perfect equation that will determine the best candidate of the three to lead our country through the next four years. Can you think of a better way? …I didn’t think so.

Stay classy

-Pete