My Modest Proposal

It is estimated that Americas down an estimated four hundred eighty five million, seven hundred twenty seven, three hundred and eight double cheeseburgers, super sized fries, and extra large Coke’s daily. This makes for an even worse problem, obesity. Obesity is an ever-growing dilemma among people all across this great nation. Not only are these fat people visually unappealing, they are slowly yet steadily becoming the majority. The strain put on these people's hearts and bodies daily is enough to send them to an early grave. Due to Americans dieting routines (see davidkeithly.blogspot.com and do the exact opposite of everything he tells you, except for freezing hoho’s… that’s brilliant), not only are their waistlines increasing, their hearts are failing them. Since 1995 the heart attack rate has quadrupled! Why is this? Because in 1995 the value menu was introduced among fast food restaurants nationwide, making fast food not only incredible unhealthy for people, but extremely cheap, allowing them to eat more for less.
This growing problem of obesity must be stopped. Being obese must become illegal. The solution I have come up with is both logical and effective. A skeptic may ask how can the Federal Government determine obesity? A person's fat content is measured by their BMI or "body mass index." When age, height and weight are plugged into a simple calculator, a person's BMI can be determined. The results are put into a table that shows if they are underweight, normal weight, heavy or obese. This tool is key in my plan of solving the obesity problem.
As with any other law, there must be legal ramifications. If one speeds in his automobile and is caught, he must pay the consequence. Much like this idea, if a person is obese (according to the BMI) he must pay the consequence and be sent to a government correctional facility specializing in weight loss and personal fitness. He must remain there until he is in good enough shape to leave and return back to "civilized" society.
Violators can be caught in many obvious places such as warehouse stores (Costco, Sam's Club) grocery stores, fast food restaurants, as well as many other places such as malls, airports, sports arenas, "big and tall" stores, Krispy Kreme shops, drive thru’s, "The Wider Side of Sears" and while driving in their cars. Good citizens may also turn them in. When caught, the violator receives a ticket with a date on it stating the time they much report to the designated obesity center. The ticket usually allows 4-6 weeks to prepare for the obesity center, settle family affairs, and allow employers to find temporary replacement for the violator.
Once in the facility a very strict diet is followed. Violators can choose from one of two diets: the "quick" diet, which is the fastest way to reach your designated BMI, and the Atkins friendly diet, which takes a bit longer, but also works. The "quick" diet involves 6 meals per day. These meals will be approximately 8 oz. each and will be composed of only the bare necessities of living, such as carbohydrates, proteins, fats, vitamins and minerals. The Atkins diet will follow the book by doctor Atkin , but these high protein meals will consist of only 6 oz of food per meal (there are also 6 per day).
The center also has a fully equipped gym with cardio machines, weights, swimming pools, running track, and racquetball court. Violators will be expected to exercise a minimum of 9 hours per day and sleep 8 hours per day. Any "free time" will be spent in individual cells so as to motivate violators to exercise more. The only appropriate television must be "Bo flex" and "Body by Jake" infomercials, as well as "Richard Simmons 'Sweating to the Oldies'". For women, yoga and Pilates are also acceptable television programs.
Under no circumstances will violators be allowed to leave the premises of the compound. This will give additional motivation to violators to reach their BMI goal. One visitor per week per violator should be allowed. All visitors will be searched for any edible substance upon arrival. For each additional 10 minutes with a visitor, an additional hour of exercise is added to the 9 hours. And just to help speed up the process, conjugal visits are not allowed.
No set sentence is given to obesity violators. The very minute a violators reach their right body mass index, they are free to leave and continue with their lives. No fee is due to the government, and each person who leaves will feel a great sense of accomplishment.
Not only will the obesity centers cut down and eventually eliminate obesity, they will provide other benefits. Healthcare costs will plummet, because thin people don't get sick nearly as much as fat people, and when non-obese people fall, they don't usually get as hurt as their obese counterparts.
Along with dropping healthcare costs, America would win more Olympic events, because a greater number of athletes could compete for spots. Also, elevators would be able to hold more people; toilets and doorways wouldn't have to be modified for larger people, the production of 2XL and 3XL clothing would be stopped, saving material and allowing more regular sized tee shirts to be made to clothe the homeless, and restaurant stools wouldn't have to be triple reinforced.
Of course the slow-down and eventually closing of businesses who specialize in products for fat people would cause many to be out of jobs, the economy would bounce right back because of the growing number of fitness center workers. If all works out well, the brutality of the obesity centers would cause people to continue to work out and eat healthy. This would cause a definite increase in gym memberships across the country, giving numerous people jobs and helping the economy stay level.
Along with increasing gym memberships, food costs would go down. If the average person eats only as much as is recommended for a healthy lifestyle, both the demand and price for food would decrease. This lower demand for food would cause a surplus of that could be used to feed homeless and starving people, thus increasing the quality of life for the average American.
Not only would food be cheaper, taxes would decrease! There is a huge number of disabled people in America receiving money from the government. Where does this money come from? It comes from our pockets. Lots of these people receiving Social Security are morbidly obese and can't move from their super sized wheelchairs! When these people are sent to the obesity center, their lives will be changes in that they can physically move and get a job, thus lowering the cost of taxes going towards Social Security.
Obesity is an epidemic that must be controlled. My plan would eliminate the amount of fat people, thus improving the quality of life for Americans from now until forever. Eventually, after many, many generations, there will be no need for obesity centers because future generations will have learned the importance of living a healthy, happy, skinny life. It is the only solution.

Stay Classy

-Pete

Pimpin' ain't eazy, but neither is being The Man

People think that it is an easy job being “The Man”, but they in fact have absolutely no idea what it is like. Being born an Irish-Scotch-Anglo-Franco-German-Kanuk(scotkeithly.blogspot.com), I stood absolutely no chance of escaping my inevitable future as “The Man”. The title alone is much more of a weight on my shoulders than you might think. I mean I can’t even begin to tell you how many times we have had to put up with ridiculous phrases such as “The Man is keeping me down” and “stick it to The Man”. Sure we did some bad things back in the day but it seems like we’re arguing over spilt milk here folks. Lets be honest with ourselves, if we (The Man) are really keeping anyone down would we really have implemented such ridiculous policies as affirmative action? Would we really let the movie companies market films like “White Chicks”? If The Man were TRUELY holding anyone down would we really allow “soul train” to stay on air after 38 years of whatever the hell they want to call it? The answer is simple: NO.

And come on people… why does everyone always want to stick it to us? As my brother, Scot, would say, “If we (the man) had as many coming out as going in, we’d look like a porcupine!” I realize that us “white (non Hispanic)” folk have a few bad apples: ie. John Wilkes Booth, Ryan Seacrest, Richard Simmons… But a lot of good has come from our type too: Chuck Norris supposedly counted to infinite twice and Lance Armstrong won seven Tour de France’s with only half his manhood… both amazing feats.

The plain and simple truth is people are making a larger deal over the whole oppression thing than we (the man) ever expected them to and I GUARANTEE if we had a time machine back in the early 1800's and could see the stuff we would eventually have to put up with today, I know for a fact we would have picked our own damn cotton…


-Pete

The truth about urine

In light of a recent conversation held over the Keithly family dinner table (to the dismay of my mother), and in order to further prove my point and end the controversy that has arisen, I will attempt, through use of blog, to enlighten the world of the true facts of Urine.

To begin I need the reader to compose himself and continue through the entire entry in order to fully be enlightened.

Urine is not bad. I posed the question to the other members of this controversial conversation: Try to find one bad thing about urine.

A common response and probably the most obvious: it smells bad. Unfortunately for the believers of this acquisition it is a fact that urine from a healthy, hydrated body does not emit an odor. In fact, it is a very practiced method for medical personnel to use the different scents of unhealthy urine to diagnose a medical problems. For example: musty urine can be a sign of liver disease, ammonia smelling urine is a sign of dehydration, and foul smelling urine is usually caused by a bacterial infection of the kidneys or bladder.

Now instead of focusing this post on the so-called negative aspects of the golden fluid I am going to change the focus to the positive aspects. First off is the widely known fact that urine is sterile. When is an extreme situations urine can be used to hydrate ones body. If you are stranded in the ocean, it is said that mixing urine 50/50 with salt water can sustain dehydration for twice as long as pure urine. Stung by a jellyfish? Out in the wild and have an open wound? pee on it. Urine can ease the sting of jellyfish and prevent infections.

Urine therapy can boost the immune system. This is the act of consuming ones own urine daily and using the waste that was previously discarded to strengthen the bodies response to oxidants.

Some people use urine as bleach for their fabrics and even teeth. You may look at this as disgusting, but it is much more natural than a chemical bleach detergent. Because of high nitrogen content, urine allows increased amino acid synthesis by plants, meaning it is an effective fertilizer. A Canadian study has shown that 4 parts urine, and 1 part water is a very effective skin moisturizer. Blisters and rashes will heal much faster when using urine than when not using urine. Some people give their tired, dry feet a daily urine soak. This makes them baby smooth for the next morning.

It is an unfortunate truth that society teaches from a young age to avoid urine completely. I'm positive that you think, or thought, that urine is only a negative substance; that it is purely a disgusting fluid that needs to be disposed of promptly and discretely. Hopefully to those who were on the opposite side of urine in the aforementioned dinner table conversation can now clearly see that i was indeed right. Or as Scot would say I was absolute, admissible, authentic, bona fide, complete, correct, exact, factual, faithful, genuine, immaculate, indubitable, inerrant, infallible, just, out-and-out, perfect, precise, proper, punctilious, real, right on, satisfactory, solemn, sound, sure, thoroughgoing, true, undistorted, undoubted, unerring, unmistaken, utter, valid, veracious, veridical, veritable, and watertight.

Stay classy.

-pete