This being my first opportunity to be actively involved in the presidential appointment process, and seeing that this years race lacks any obvious choices to aid in my decision making process (ie. White, middle-aged, Christian, men), I am having a difficult time deciding whose chad I will punch on Election Day. My first choice (also the most logical no-brainer) would be to cast my vote for Chuck Norris, but he for some unknown reason decided not to run. This unfortunate piece of news leaves me with few choices: Barack Hussein Obama, Ralph Nadar, and Hillary Rodham Clinton. (I only use Hillary’s middle name because initially I thought it was only fair to B Hussein, and then I realized it is a ridiculous name and not writing it would be a mistake) The reason I left McCain out is because chances are he will die before election day. So with three candidates in the running and no obvious choices, I have come up with a series of contests that, if performed, would decide once and for all who is the most qualified to run the greatest country in the world.
The first will be a test of strength, courage, and will. The three Candidates will fight each other in a battle royal on the online World of Warcraft. The player with the most life left at the end of the eight-hour session will be victorious. (Coincidentally, an inside source tells me that B Hussein is a level 70 night elf hunter and will most likely have the upper hand in this competition.)
In the second friendly competition, each contestant will have to choose a song from the 70’s to perform, live, in front of all of America. America will then text their choice to 1-800-presi01 and the winner will be announced live on broadcast television the following week. (It is a little known fact that Nadar is the lead singer in his mariachi band who call themselves “Greeners and Beaners”. He definitely has the experience to pull ahead in this portion of competition.)
The third and final test will challenge these candidates to their very core. America will have a hotdog eating contest in which the three candidates will have three minutes to down as many wieners as they possibly can. (On a side note, you may not know that Hillary can actually unhook her jaw and drop food down her throat like a laundry chute. She may very well excel in this competition.)
So there we have it folks, the perfect equation that will determine the best candidate of the three to lead our country through the next four years. Can you think of a better way? …I didn’t think so.
Stay classy
-Pete
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2 comments:
I have to take issue with your exclusion of John McCain. Not only will he live until the election, he would win all three of those contests. First of all, he lived through being tortured and skin cancer. I think making it past seventy two, about thirteen years shy of the average life span of an American, will be nothing for such an above average guy (you forget that Republicans live through a lot--Reagan was 75 when he got shot and lived). As far as world of warcraft, he's the only one with any military experience--he could level just about anybody. As for the seventies song, I don't see why he would have any trouble but if he does it's because he was being tortured for most of that decade, so will you please excuse him? Finally, the man has big cheeks, and I predict that he could chew more hot dogs at a time than even Hillary.
At first I thought that was going to be serious. That’s why I think it made me laugh so hard. But hey if bill Clinton had to get his wiener sucked by someone else maybe his wife is not as good as you thought and won’t win the wiener eating contest. Ha ha
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