The positive effects of Terrorism

Wow, this title alone may be enough evidence for the Federal Government to burst into my house, tear up my room looking for terrorist bombs and what not, and unfortunately find my ungodly stash of trail mix before they even bother to read on. Just a forewarning if this post is published in an incomplete form you will know that they are here. And if my post is published in it's incomplete form and i am killed, your first suspect to investigate must be my brother David's new sugar hating, rootbeer gagging, speedo loathing girlfriend who I have a sneaking suspision is a terrorist.

As for the title statement I sincerely believe that this terrorism thing, this "war on terror" is not completely bad. Terrorism has brought Americans together and in the wake of this unifying hurricane of Americanism three glorious phrases have emerged. Phrases that in any other time in history would be not necessarily frowned upon but at the very least brushed off to the side maybe not given a second thought. Three powerful, rage provoking phrases that have been printed on bumper stickers and repeated in numerous fury fueled anti-terrorism conversations. Three phrases that can essentially be the correct answer to ANY question that is ever asked to you that you do not exactly want to answer truthfully.

First off there is the bumper sticker favorite phrase: "These colors don't run" These colors obviously refering to the red white and blue on the american flag. This phrase is Americas way of saying "Bring it on bitches, my WMD's are bigger than yours are, and I'll prove it if I need to!"

Secondly is good motivational, teamwork building phrase: "United we stand, divided we fall" Apart from being a popular fireman window sticker this phrase makes us all want to be a part of the united group... even if you don't want to admit it.

And thirdly, my personal favorite phrase which I believe was coined by our very own president George W Bush (Arguably the most brilliant statement of this eight year term): "We don't negotiate with terrorists" (when saying this out loud be sure to pronounciate "negotiate" and "terrorists")

These magnificent phrases can be utilized to your advantage in almost ANY situation you encounter but in order for the desired effect to be reached, you MUST follow my step by step instructions listed below. To ignore them or stray from my carefully structured plan can spell disaster and can take you from a bonafide badass to being just another democrat idiot in mere miliseconds. The beauty of it all: a negetive rebuttel is simply unamerican and nobody wants to be unamerican. Do they? No, of course they don't.

Step 1: Wait for the question.
Step 2: Choose the correct phrase for the situation
Step 3: say "why? you wanna know why (reason here)? Because (insert phrase here)
Step 4: (this is vital) Storm off in a fit of rage.
Step 5: If you are questioned before the storm off simply point your index finger to the sky and yell "God bless America" then storm off.
Step 6: Once your out of sight give yourself a well deserved pat on the back because you my friend have just successfully used the rage that terrorism has brought to America to your advantage.

Examples:

Why? You wanna know why I didn't take out the trash yet? Because I don't negotiate with terrorists mom, THAT'S WHY!
True American response: Damn right we don't! Now go sit down and i'll make you some steak

Why? You wanna know why I forgot our anniversary honey? I forgot our anniversary because United we stand, but divided we fall! (you better storm off extra quick in this situation)
True American Response: Hell ya we do! Now get over here and give me some sugar!

Why? you wanna know why I was doing 65 in a school zone officer? I was doing a 65 in a school zone because these colors don't run! GOD BLESS AMERICA!
True American Response: You're damn right they don't kid, now go on and get out of here and make your country proud! (This is one of the few instances where you absolutely do not storm off)

You can thank me whenever.

Stay classy

-Pete