Peter is going green

When I say green I am not talking about the racial profile of the indigenous muhakaka people of far southeast Africa who feed purely in lettuce and watermelon-outer-shells.

Nope, I am talking about pure, long lasting, tree hugging, hemp wearing, pot smoking, Volkswagen driving green. The kind of green you wake up in the morning, step outside onto the back porch wearing only a crotch-high navy blue robe (untied), light up a corn cob pipe, and exhale that sweet, sweet tobacco into. That's right people I'm talking about the environment.

I know what your thinking and no, I'm not going to go out and buy a fuel efficient Prius or trade in my truck for a single cylinder, 4 horsepower Vespa. In fact I personally am not going to do a single thing that will compromise my quite comfortable lifestyle. Instead my service to the world, to our future, to our children, and their children is to give you some helpful hints that will not only improve the quality of the air we breath in, but it will improve your luck with the ladies (or gentlemen at that) and your overall outlook on life.

Lets go ahead and start with the first order of business... Water. America alone uses the same amount of water every morning between the hours of 4 AM and 8 AM to take showers in as the whole country of china drinks in 7 years! That's right, while you scrub away that morning drool and gurgle away the A.M. flem, China is sucking sweat covered wifebeaters from a hard days work just to replenish some of the H2O lost that day. Not only is water expensive to make, but the harmful environmental gasses that it produces eat away at the ozone layer faster than my brother David would a box of ho-ho’s during a pre-game show. Our fathers did not take daily showers, Our fathers fathers didn't even have running hot water, and out fathers grandfathers never even had the luxury of water in general... the fact is: we're getting greedy. What's with all the cleanliness? What, are you all clean room workers in top secret labs toiling away every day trying to find the cure for homosexuality or what? Relax, sleep in, skip that morning spray off. It is not necessary. On the first day God created the world. On the seventh day God took a shower. Come on now, we take 7 times as many showers as GOD himself and he created everything! Don't you think it's a little bit greedy? ...just a little?

Deodorant. Come on now. It is a well known fact that deodorant is the largest scam in history next to 1-900 numbers and "no child left behind". We all buy it, we all apply it, and we all compliment each other on the scent that it emits. We are all brainwashed. Science has done numerous studies. By numerous I mean at least six, most of which concluded that human body odor is the best Aphrodesiac in the world. Look at Matthew McConaughey. He's sexy, I’ll be the first to admit it. He gave up deodorant in the 7th grade and where has it landed him? Cha Ching! That's right folks, it’s landed him in the money, starring in numerous box-office hits and under the sheets with sexy Brazilian supermodels. You will be too if you can drop this disgusting habit of covering up the best smell the olfactory sense can possibly experience. If I have not yet convinced you let me hit you with some cold hard truths. The deodorant you buy is most likely made in a scent factory located deep in the heart of the Peruvian rainforest. The Scentologists extract the rock DEO from the ground, from there it is crushed up and made into "old spice" or "speed stick" or "dove for her". After production the sticks are shipped 45,000 miles to a store near you (give or take). Not only does the production of deodorant cause green house gasses to be emitted into the air, fossil fuels to be burned, and our limited supply of DEO to be deteriorated for your personal comfort, but it kills! Although it may seem rather inexpensive for you to purchase consider that scentologists have a 68% mortality rate while extracting the rock from the earth. That's over 83,000 people dead each year just so you can impress a date, or not lose a promotion. You people make me sick.

My third and final piece of advice is to stop talking. In these recent years of email correspondence and Instant Message, along with one of if not the best invention since the ketchup packet: Text Messaging, there is less and less reason for people to actually talk. Talking is boring and tiresome. A "good" conversation can take up to 3 hours and all that breathing in and breathing out, laughing and crying, yelling and whispering... it takes a toll on your body and the environment. It needs to stop. Fact: The average American emits 132.5% more carbon emission into the earth’s atmosphere daily than a diesel V8 engine running at idle speed for the same 24-hour period. That's right, the problem isn't cars, the problem is you! They say a picture says 1000 words, well folks, lets let our camera's do the talking. Next time an Asian tourist couple taps ever so lightly on your shoulder and asks "you take piksha?" your response should be a simple thumbs up and a few clicks of the camera. In fact, try and take better pictures that say 1500 words and we will be that much closer to a cleaner environment.

There you have it. Three surefire ways to save what is left of this beaten and downtrodden atmosphere of ours, and remember: United we stand, divided we fall.

Stay classy

-Pete